Eugeniac Drivers
I live in Eugene, Oregon, home of the world’s worst urban drivers. Traffic flow is a radical concept here; in the 1950s they thought it was a communist plot. Now they think it is a fascist plot, or at least that’s what the anarchists tell me.
There are many theories about why Eugene traffic flow is so terrible. Some think we are the headquarters for transporting nitro glycerin, which explains why people almost come to a complete stop when making a turn off of a busy street. Others think the driver is just trying to peer around the corner to make sure they actually want to go down that street.
Still others speculate that it is simply good country bumpkin fun to inconvenience the three dozen vehicles following a slow poke.
Speaking of which, you always know when someone in Eugene is going to make a right or left turn, for they begin slowing down several blocks in advance, anticipating this monumental redirection of momentum. And since everyone is eventually going to make a right or left turn, this suddenly explains why they’re all driving under the speed limit!
However, this theory is challenged from many quarters.
Some claim that Eugene is overly religious, hence the prevalence of leisurely “Sunday drivers” every day of the week.
Others claim the DMV made a typo regarding the 3 Second Rule about following the vehicle in front of you. Instead, it reads, 30 Second Rule.
Still others claim everyone is simply smoking too much weed. And that was before Oregon legalized weed. And that was before Satan invented texting while driving.
We call it “Eugeniac” because the residents are maniacs who live in a virtual Battlestar Gallactica. It’s one explanation about why they don’t pay attention on the road. They’re all living in outer space. Maybe that’s why they are so spacey, man. Kevin Spacey is their idol.
Here are some of their rules of traffic:
1. Never miss an opportunity to drive under the speed limit.
2. Turn signals are dangerous: don’t use them, under any circumstances. Instead, keep that hand free for sending text messages.
3. When pulling over to the curb at night, keep your lights on in order to blind pedestrians walking down the street. After all, the concept of “parking lights” is a little too obvious. Parking lights are also a communist plot.
4. Hey, if you sit long enough at a green light, it actually does get greener! Do not precede until the light reaches its deepest shade of emerald.
5. Following any closer than eight car lengths constitutes tailgating and will result in rude gestures (actually, many drive with a middle finger permanently extended; you just don’t see it if you’re eight care lengths back).
6. Every time a good driver screams, an angel gets its wings.
7. Turning right on red is a communist plot.
Eugene drivers are only in a hurry twice. First, when they pull out in front of you, before resuming the ever-virtuous pace of ten miles below the speed limit. Second, when the traffic light ahead of them turns yellow, at which point the slow poke suddenly discovers the gas pedal. Then the three dozen vehicles behind them become the grateful audience watching the temporary fast poke blast through.
That would be consistent with the country bumpkin theory, which also explains how Eugene drivers actually enjoy sitting in traffic for no reason, akin to idling away time on the country store porch of old.
Here’s an actual conversation I overheard one summer day at a traffic light:
“There’s one of them thar June Bugs, just like we used to see on the country store porch.”
“They’ll buzz around.”
“Yep. Shore will.”
“I’ve seen ’em many times in May and July. Why not call them May-June-July Bugs?”
“‘Cuz they’re insects.”
“In sacks? I haven’t bagged one yet.”
“No, insects, like them thar ettymologists study.”
“Oh, you mean those buggy dudes.”
“Yep.”
Long pause.
“Well, this is the second time the light turned green. You better go.”
“Let’s sit a spell and see if it gets any greener. They don’t call it the Emerald Valley for nothing.”
Speaking of science, I think these two geniuses were from the mobilitus incompetantis genus.
Whoever said America was a car culture never came to Eugene, where we have car parking culture. That’s because we have the largest municipal parking lot in the world. It’s called the streets of Eugene.
Copyright © 2022 Will Sarvis. All rights reserved
